Philosophy of Arousal

What I wish I had been told
about sex when I was young

© Copyright 1987, 1998 by Ralph E. Kenyon, Jr.

(This is NOT about the mechanics of how it's done; it is about how we are, how we feel about it, and what we do about it - Arousal, Attitudes, and Ethics.)

How we are.

The most troublesome aspect of our natural sexuality is arousal.  Arousal occurs in a number of circumstances.

• Type 1 arousal.   Spontaneous physical arousal occurs as our bodies develop.  We may become sexually aroused for no apparent reason simply because our bodies "practice" what they can do.  This happens more when we are young and developing, but still happens occasionally as we grow older. It happens most during puberty.
• Type 2 arousal.   We may become sexually aroused because of some mechanical cause such as friction or vibration. Examples include clothing which rubs, the vibration from riding on a motor cycle, bicycle, exercise bike, horse, or even just riding in a bus.  It can also occur during physical contact with another person, such as during wrestling, or sexual abuse.  This kind of arousal and excitement can even continue until orgasm is reached.
• Type 3 arousal.   We may become sexually aroused because of some other intense emotional experience.   Anger or aggression, crying and being comforted by someone else, elation from intense physical exercise, etc., can all result in sexual arousal.
• Type 4 arousal. We may become sexually aroused because we respond to the physical body chemistry of another person (even if we don't particularly like that person).  Both sexes, but particularly females, generate odors which are sexually arousing to members of the opposite sex.
• Type 5 arousal. We may become sexually aroused because we like another person and are emotionally attracted to that person.
• Type 6 arousal. (addendum) We may become sexually aroused when we see or hear sexually oriented behavior, images or sounds, read about sexual behavior, or just think about it.

Different people experience different levels of arousal.  Some may be excited once or twice in a month or two.  Some may be excited several times in a single day.   Whatever happens to a person is what is normal for that person.

Attitude, or How we feel about it.

What may be an even more troublesome aspect of our natural sexuality is our attitudes about arousal. 

First, we must come to realize that each of the five types of arousal listed above is neither good nor bad.  There is nothing wrong with the way our body works naturally.   Unfortunately, our culture does not teach us about this.  The only kind of arousal which is actually talked about in the culture is type 5 arousal, the kind from emotional attraction.

If you think the other kinds are "bad" or "wrong", then you are going to be having a lot of trouble with the way your body works.

• Type 1 arousal may occur in almost any situation.  You may be alone, with someone you do not like, or with someone of the same sex, as well as with someone you do like.  If you can  recognize that this type of arousal is possible, you can prevent forming incorrect beliefs about why you got aroused.
• Type 2 arousal is easier to recognize. In both type 1 and type 2 arousal, we may become embarrassed if we think that others are aware of our situation, particularly if the others think that we are in type 5 arousal.
• Type 3 arousal occurs much less often and is harder to recognize; we are usually more involved in the other emotion.  The culture recognizes type 3 arousal in several forms.  In the most common example, some person (girl usually) is crying and being comforted by someone and that situation develops into a sexual encounter - sorrow leading to comfort and surrender.   Other examples include anger leading to rape, aggression leading to sadism, and guilt leading to masochism.
• Type 4 arousal is covered up by society by an obsession with deodorant and perfume.  The natural body processes generate sex attractant odors which members of the opposite sex respond to.  This is much more developed in females than in men, but there is some in both sexes.  The fragrance varies with the monthly cycle, being strongest at ovulation.  Also, the male semen counteracts the odor in women, so women who are getting regular sex have much less sex attractant odors.  On the other hand, virgin females have the most powerful sex attractant fragrances.  Most persons cannot detect the fragrances of members of the same sex.  In other words, most women cannot smell the sex attractant chemistry of women, but men can.  Smokers cannot normally detect these fragrances, except in the strongest concentrations.
• Type 5 arousal can happen between any two people, young or old, related or not, friends or family.  Our culture teaches us to suppress such arousal between some people, and to encourage it between others.   Members of the opposite sex who are of similar age, who are not related, and who are not "in a relationship" are encouraged; all others are discouraged or suppressed.   There is nothing wrong in experiencing type 5 arousal; it's what you do about it that may involve right and wrong.  Psychiatrists and psychologists talk about the attraction between mother and son, father and daughter, as well as between brother and sister.  Part of growing up in this society is learning to suppress certain natural arousal while encouraging other.  Again it's not wrong to feel the arousal, what may be wrong is what gets done as a result.
• Type 6 arousal is what is most often thought of when the subject is considered.  The first five types of arousal often occur without clear and immediate knowledge of the cause; they can often be completely subconscious.  Type 6 arousal normally occurs with the person's awareness of the arousal as sexual and the source of the stimulation.  It has been said that the brain is the biggest sex organ. Memory works "auto-associatively", and that means that a visual or auditory stimulus, or even a thought, can and often does bring up a flood of related memories and thoughts.  The sight or sound of sexual behavior stimulates the brain to remember or think about other sexual activities.  And, because of type 1 arousal, the brain can spontaneously begin thinking about sexual behavior.  Research has shown that the brain "understands" thoughts by using most of the same neuron structures that are involved in performing the behavior itself.  As a result, thinking about sex includes using many of the same brain and nerve pathways that would be used in actual sexual behavior. It's no surprise that thinking about sex can cause one to become more sexually aroused, and that it can induce more thoughts about sex.

Since different people experience different levels of arousal, there is nothing wrong with how often you experience or don't experience arousal.  Hormones affect arousal; so does our own attitude about these things.  There is nothing wrong with any level of arousal.  However, because society places a premium on being not too much or not too little, we can always find examples of people who are more or less than ourselves.

Ethics, or what we do about it.

Although orgasm is the natural release for arousal, how it is achieved is a matter of ethics.  The ethics of sexual behavior is no different from the ethics of other behavior.  Right and wrong are determined by our values and by the values of our culture(s).  There are two types of sexual behavior to consider.  The behavior of two persons together - relationship behavior - and the behavior of one person alone - auto-erotic behavior.

In the case of two persons together, exploiting another human being, or making them do something they don't want to do, or taking advantage of a "weakened" condition, are all considered wrong.  But conscious behavior between consenting adults is generally permitted.

In the case of one person alone, any behavior which is not injurious is generally okay.  This may include erotic dancing, sensuous exercise, or masturbation.  There is nothing wrong with any such behavior.  On the contrary, healthy sexual development requires that we learn to understand how we respond, and that understanding requires experimentation and practice.  In some circumstances we may even engage in auto-erotic behavior in the presence of other people who are not aware of our experience.   The culture discourages excessive or explicit auto-erotic behavior.  Someone who dances "too obviously suggestively" will be criticized, but some expression of auto-erotic behavior is actually encouraged.

When it comes to type 5 arousal, we must learn to deal with our own attraction to people who our culture says are forbidden.  Attractions to people who are the wrong age, the wrong sex, or related, pose problems for growing young people.   We mustn't say that there is something wrong with us because we feel these things; that is simply not true.  Feeling these things is natural!  It's what we do about it which may or may not be wrong.  The culture says it's 'wrong' to go ahead with family members (incest) and discourages large age differences.  There is some tolerance for same-sex behavior, but it is generally not encouraged.  Unfortunately nothing is said about a perfectly good way of responding to these types of arousal.   A valid way for someone who is in an accepted relationship to respond is to "transfer" the arousal to the correct partner.  The man who is excited by his secretary goes home to make love with his wife.  The girl who is turned on by her cousin makes it with her boyfriend.  For virgins and persons who are not in a relationship, the way to achieve release is to go off to a private place and be auto-erotic - in whatever way is most satisfying.

When it comes to type 6 arousal, a great deal of cultural activities are put into both encouraging this type of arousal as well as discouraging it.  "Sex sells." is a watchword of advertising. We are inundated with sexually suggestive images and sounds in an attempt to associate the natural "feel good" factor of sex with practically every product or service ever sold. Conservative groups, on the other hand, lobby to pass laws restricting access to all kinds of sexual information and behavior in an effort to force their particular value systems onto the general population and suppress this source of stimulation. Sex, however, is a natural urge in men and women, and suppressing it, as these groups would do, magnifies the urge beyond its normal strength.  Freudian personality theory, with its strong emphasis on sex came into being during a cultural period when sexuality was strongly suppressed. As the Shaolin priest Master Po said to young Kwai Chang Caine in Kung Fu, "Do not deny your body's needs, or they will be magnified beyond proportion."

In summary, arousal is not wrong, nor is it wrong to seem to be aroused by anyone at all.  Our natural sexuality means we may become aroused in almost any circumstance, and with almost any person; there's nothing wrong with that by itself.  It's what we do about it which has consequences which may or may not be okay.

If you can just remember these things when you find yourself in a state of arousal, you can avoid some confusion about your sexual identity, about your relationships to the people present, and about your "goodness" as a person.  Your actions can then be more correctly guided by your own and cultural values.  Enjoy your arousal, understand what it means, and behave properly.